Hhhwell..

I just want to talk about my relationship shingbing. I'm officially over it and I just want to give my final word. ya know?

I had two things going on...They weren't exactly relationships because I'm just to scared and am SEVERELY unsure about how relationships and getting to men works. I think people are cute all the time but I never talk to them. I tell absolutely everyone about it, except them, but since I can't do real like stuff I stick to texting and talking on the phone. For a good couple of weeks I started texting this guy I talked to back in 7th grade. I "went out" with him but for 2 years I acted like it never happened and whenever a friend would mention his name I would act like I didn't know what they were talking about. They knew I was kidding, I'm not delusional... I did this because it was all so pathetic and plain embarrassing. So I started talking to him out of desperation for male communication. I really didn't like my brothers and dad at the time I really needed someone to call me beautiful and stuff like that. (I know, I don't need someone to call me beautiful, I just need myself too) So I put on this whole act that I wanted to be friends and stuff when i absolutely didn't... He's really not the smartest guy and from what he told me he didn't have very many friend. He would be extra sweet to me and it drove me crazy. If I wanted someone he'd give it to me. No matter what it was, anything for me to keep talking to him. I had two friends over and totally was mean to him and scammed him into giving me a picture of his goods. I was completely entertained because it seemed like common sense to stop talking to someone who was mean to you, but I didn't care about his feelings. I stopped texting him the next day and haven't since. I was alright with him being in pain....

As of now, I feel bad, but I'm not going to get sucked back into it. This is why;
I talked to a guy back in 7th or 8th grade. I met him on myspace and talk to him quite a bit on msn. We would talk on and off and I thought he was the cutest thing in the world. I'd be sad when he left and absolutely ecstatic when he came on. I remember having a few tussles with him but nothing that stands out. He called me fat but I figured it was a joke. I had a time when I didn't like him because he looked weird, but he happened to be on during spring break. I sent him a message jokingly saying he was really hot and telling him to have sex with me. He replied positively so I knew I was "in" ya know? I proceeded to start talking to him on myspaceim. He was clearly flirting with me and I gave him my number and I was just like before. I was completely consumed with him. He would call me babe and it was absolutely mesmerizing. I snooped on his myspace and remember why I didn't like him before. He was a GIANT flirt with EVERY girl alive. I pushed it to the side, but I honestly should have listened to my heart. I reminded him of the time he called me fat and he didn't recall and he apologized and said I was adorable. This was on the phone. I didn't know you could lie on the phone. It's pretty much like talking to someone's face. I felt like that memory was a door opener into my weakness. He would randomly call me fat and I would take it like it was a joke but he would be extremely harsh. I fought back one time and thought i was in the clear. He slowly stopped talking to me and it was odd. I didn't understand...AT ALL! He didn't give a reason and I was so sad until I remembered...

I had done the same EXACT thing to my last guy. This ultimately didn't end well and I'm not talking to him anymore. I'm not sad anymore, I know I deserved it. My friends were saying it was karma and I wouldnt admit it but it was PURE KARMA :/ plain and simple. Over all, It was a learning experience. *siiiiiiiiiiiiigh*

I really need to get my hutspa up and mingle with the men of bremerton. No more online or textual business. I have my eye on 3 men and 1 is an ABSOLUTE no since he denied me on facebook and is a senior and chose my small, cute friend who he knows as much as he knows me. He doesn't know me at all so that's saying something.......

I really only have a chance with 1 and I don't know. I'm going to have to do something or else I'm never going to get anywhere EVER. mahhh...


that was long..